fertility clinic


Choosing an Egg Donor

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

Part two in our series of discussions on psychological issues for Intended Parents.

Choosing a Donor

iStock_000009735939SmallOnce intended parents have made the decision to use an egg donor, anxiety can arise surrounding the donor choice.  Every intended parent usually approaches the issue with ‘preconceived’ criteria for choosing their ‘perfect’ candidate – beyond the standard medical screening that is done, scholastics, personality, and appearance are usually at the top of their list.  I empathize with individuals and couples as to how difficult it is to make such a big decision.  It is important to remember that there is no rush in choosing a donor.  It takes time to find the right match.  Whatever the intended parents are looking for, I encourage them to get as much information as possible from their egg donation agency regarding their donor, while also trying not to ‘over-control’ the situation.  Once one feels they have made the best decision, according to the information they have, then the challenge can be trying letting go.  There are no guarantees in life, all of us who are parents usually begrudgingly learn that a lot more of life is out of our control than we would like.  Parenting is about being able to handle all the imperfections that come with a child, whether you have your child through an egg donor or not.  When couples do have difficulty containing their anxiety during this process therapy can help.

As the ‘screening’ psychotherapist, my process is analytical and involves assessing the donor for her maturity and ability to follow through with the process, as well as the presence of any major psycho-pathology (i.e. personality or mood disorders).  An interview and psychological test are used to check for either of the two preceding elements.

- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT

Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist

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An Informal Discussion on Psychological Issues for Intended Parents

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

BrendaThe following is the first in a series of postings from Beverly Hills Egg Donation staff psychotherapist, Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT.  Brenda comes to us with years of experience working exclusively  with egg donors and couples dealing with infertility issues.  In this, and in posts to come, she will address some of the most common psychological and emotional issues that come up in her work with Intended Parents.


Intended parents usually come to infertility services after spending years on an emotional roller-coaster.  There are several emotional and psychological issues that intended parents typically encounter during this process.  The ones that I encounter most in my practice are 1) Dealing with the grief of not being able to conceive your own biological child 2) The anxiety associated with choosing a donor 3) Deciding whether to meet the donor during the process 4) Fears of not being bonded or connected to your child and 4) Deciding if, when and how to reveal to your child that an egg donor was used in their conception.

Grieving

The journey to the egg donor option can be arduous for most couples.  The realization that you are unable to conceive without the assistance of a third party can be internalized in numerous ways – the most common emotions are feelings of failure, inadequacy, humility and anger.  When couples arrive at an infertility office, frequently they have not dealt with the trauma and pain that usually exists.  I always encourage couples to experience their unresolved grief before getting too far down the road in the process.  However, in many instances, because couples have been waiting years to conceive a child, they often feel compelled to jump into the next stage without processing their feelings.  It is common for couples to get caught up in the frenzy of doctor’s offices, tests, shots and drugs while neglecting to take a step back and let oneself absorb and process the grief.

coupleElizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote the classic treatise on dealing with grief.  In her seminal work, she identifies the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  In a perfect world, an individual would experience these stages sequentially.  Yet, each of us approaches life’s complications in our own way.  The process becomes inherently more complicated when dealing with two individuals simultaneously, given the complicated dynamics of relationships in general.  It takes an enormous amount of patience and understanding to respect and understand your partner’s process.  Therefor I encourage couples to attend support groups and couple’s therapy to assist them through the grieving process.

The goal in the last stage of the grief process is acceptance.  Acceptance can take on different outcomes for different couples (or single parents).  The one constant is the reality that one is unable to conceive his/her own biological child.  When one comes to this acceptance, there are different paths from which to choose – using an egg donor agency and/or surrogate, adopting a child or choosing not to have a child.  Whichever path is chosen, you want to be confident about your decision and optimistic about your future.

- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT


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Born to be a Mom

Friday, September 25th, 2009

I was thirty-seven when I finally realized I was ready to be a mom.  I felt happy, secure in my job, well-traveled and healthier than I had been in years.  When I informed my doctor of my plan, he immediately ran a battery of routine tests, but felt confident that all would be perfect.  There were no visible signs, or symptoms, that I would have any trouble conceiving.

CB052778About one week later, I got a call from my doctor.  He explained calmly that having a baby the traditional way was not going to be possible for me.  My FSH was 48 and my eggs were no longer viable.  He immediately introduced the egg donation process to me.  He was unbelievably kind, patient and understanding.  He answered all of my questions and then some.

I needed time to digest what he had said.  While I was grateful that I lived in an age where modern technology would allow me to have the experience of carrying a baby, I still needed a bit of time to mourn the loss of not having a child genetically related to me.  I had always placed so much importance on being able to recognize a piece of myself (my long fingers, green eyes, thick hair, stubborn will, etc) in my future little boy or girl.  This was now gone.

Luckily, I come with an enormous support system of family and friends.  They listened to my fears, remorse, etc. until I was finished.  It didn’t take me long to realize that my GOAL had not changed.  I wanted to be a mom.  I needed to be a mom.  I was BORN to be a mom!

Immediately I got to work.  I scoured the internet for information and began my do diligence.  There were so many egg donation agencies to choose from.  My mom helped me search through at least twenty of them!  My doctor even offered to find a donor for me if I was patient enough to wait at least a year.  I’d waited thirty-seven years and couldn’t bear the thought of waiting yet another.

It didn’t take long before I ran into BHED‘s website.  I read it thoroughly and it was easy to navigate.  It felt classy, professional, safe…right.  I called to set up a log in and spoke with Lisa Greer.  She was wonderful!  I immediately trusted that she knew what she was doing.  I was not disappointed when I perused the donors either.  They were all beautiful and well-rounded.  I felt I couldn’t go wrong.  Hence, the trials and the tribulations of the fertility process thus began.

I used two fertility groups.  One was near my house on the East Coast.  The other was on the West Coast, a doctor that BHED recommended, where my egg donor was located.  The embryo was implanted on a rare rainy day in Southern California in early February.  I am blessed and very excited to say that I am now expecting my first baby (a girl) in October.

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Dr. Michael Feinman of HRC deserves many kudos, but the real heroes are Lisa and Ellie Klein from Beverly Hills Egg Donation.  Lisa had a hands-on approach that carried me through many a crisis.  All of this was accomplished with a calm, personal and professional touch.  Lisa is all about getting the job done, while seemingly having an interior made of marshmallow.  Ellie, with her kind heart, was a pleasure to work with.  She is competent, compassionate, and returned all of my calls and emails (no light compliment in this busy and imperfect world).  To put it mildly, I could have NEVER gotten through this process without both their support and guidance.

BHED is the only place to go for the help you need, both emotional and physical.  I thank Lisa and Ellie from the bottom of my heart and will always remember their kindness.

Finally, I owe my egg donor a very, very sincere thank you.  I will NEVER forget her and will always be grateful for this baby that will be born this fall!

- Melissa, Recipient

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