So many moving parts, so many businesses ready to “help us create our family”.

How does one choose the perfect place?  This was the biggest thing we’d ever take on.  This was not buying a new car.  Our fertility doctors sent us his top 4 recommendations for Egg Donor Agencies.  We found  4 others on our own.  We spent MANY weeks searching the sites.  After awhile, it felt like online dating.  Only the “date” would be the genetic mother of our child.

Fairly quickly, it became clear what we should focus on.  In addition to the actual Egg Donor profiles, we realized the importance of the company itself.  Because we’d be going into business with BHED, the particulars mattered a lot.  The fees , the management, the rules, it all became important.  Of the 8 sites we kept searching, BHED’s language and demeanor was the fit we were looking for.  Very upfront.  Very reasonable.  Very tidy.  In terms of profiles, we found several profiles where the Donor only offered the perfect answers from top to bottom, with absolutely no familial health risks or conditions.  It simply was not realistic.  Because we’d be placing so much trust in someone, honesty was crucial to us, even if we never met that someone.  Several times, we had specific questions about a donor.  Not only did Lisa Greer answer them immediately (yep, I said immediately), she took it all a step further by providing her email, and all of her phone numbers to us.  This spoke volumes to us about BHED’s level of dedication.  How many Managing Partners make themselves completely available to you in this day and age?  Not many.

Once we selected our Donor (not an easy process), Lisa hosted a conference call wherein we spoke to our donor.  There’s an inherent awkwardness to that phone call, and Lisa could not have navigated it any more perfectly.  She kept it discreet, kept it moving, and somehow kept it comfortable.  Because we live close by, I wanted to not only meet Lisa, but see the office.  I felt like it was a good idea to see the business in person.  I’m very glad I did.  It only made me feel even better about entrusting BHED with our Egg Donation.

From then on, my partner and I were graced (yep, I said graced) with Liz Bader-Natal as our Case Manager.  Over the next 3 months, Liz gently and firmly guided us with such straightforward knowledge, it was a gift.  Granted this was all a business transaction of sorts, but given the nature of the process, there is very much a human element.  I ahd no idea how important she would become to us in the coming months.  Amazingly, Liz answered the phone each time I called.  Each time.  I still don’t know how she did it.  My partner and I are 2 men, far from well-versed in terms of the Fertility world.  Lupron?  Follistim?  Menopur?  Each step of the way, Liz explained everything to us with the patience of a Saint.  Really.  As with anything complicated, so much can go wrong.  Every single thing Liz and/or Lisa said to us we believed.  We were never given a reason not to.  And everything they said was true.  In hindsight, I realize now how amazingly they anticipated situations, as opposed to only handling them as they occured.

We still have a ways to go.  8 months to be exact.  Sadly, our actual time with BHED is finished.  I’m not sure it Lisa and Liz know this, but they will be posted with all upcoming milestones.  Given how tremendous they were with us at every turn, it’s the least we can do.

-Seth, BHED Recipient

Unfortunately, Iowa doesn’t have many fertility clinics that use egg donors.  In my research, I was surprised to find that California was always popping up!  So, I decided to give it a try with an out-of-state agency.  I now have two previous cycles under my belt (not with BHED, but through another California agency).  When I got matched for my first cycle, I was a bit nervous about all of the traveling – it was my first time on a plane and my first time out of the Midwest!  However, I soon realized that traveling was actually an unexpected perk!  I was assigned a coordinator who took care of everything from airplane tickets, to hotel and rental car reservations.  I didn’t have to worry about anything!

Not only that, but I didn’t have to be alone which went a long way towards putting me at ease when it came time to travel.  I got to bring a companion with me, which made the whole experience much more enjoyable.  My meals were also paid for – I got a per diem so I wasn’t required to pay for any necessities out-of-pocket (well, until I went shopping, which I had plenty of time for!).  I usually had about 4 days in California before my procedure, and during that time I usually just had one appointment a day.

Now, while there were a lot of great things about traveling, there can also be downfalls.  The first is that I never knew the exact dates of my travel until about a week beforehand, because it all depended on how my body reacted to the hormones.  So, it’s important to have flexibility with your schedule!  Also, I had to make sure that the companion I brought had flexibility as well.  I received all of my medication in the mail and when I received it I spent awhile on the phone learning how to mix and inject it properly, as opposed to just going to a clinic and having a nurse teach me.  Especially at first, I felt that I had to be a bit more pro-active than a donor working with a clinic that’s just down the street.   Once I started medication, I had appointments to be monitored at a clinic here in Iowa and they would fax the results to my doctor in California.  I never got to meet the doctor or nurses I was working with until I arrived shortly before the retrieval!  Also, one of the things that I didn’t like about the agency that I was working with is that I was usually on a plane headed home the day after my retrieval.  I would’ve felt more comfortable with more follow up before I went back home, but that is one of the reasons that I’m excited to work with Beverly Hills Egg Donation.  I know that they’re great about following up with their donors afterwards.

I think that the whole experience for an out-of-state donor is exciting and fun overall.  It’s definitely a perk!  I can be nerve-racking at times, because the clinic and doctor you’re working with are in another state, but I think that it’s important for the donor to take charge and be as communicative as possible!  The nurses and coordinators that you’re working with are there to help, so don’t be afraid to ask as many questions as you want.  Being flexible with your schedule is also important and it’s great to have your companion picked out early on, if possible.  It takes a lot of the stress off.  If you get the chance to donate away from home, enjoy it knowing that you’re getting a great opportunity to travel while also helping make a couple’s dreams come true!

-Nichole, BHED donor #8438

Q: I just graduated from college and the main reason I am looking into this is for help with paying student loans.  I know that the act of donating will leave a much bigger impact than any “paycheck” I may get, but I am still curious about the financial aspect and process.  Did you have to put up any finances to get started?  Were you ever charged during the process for any of the tests that were run?  And were you paid along the way or was it all done at the end?

I am confident that this is something I want to do, but need to make sure it is a process I can afford.  At this point I have just started a new job and am curious if this can become a part of my schedule smoothly.  Did you have a difficult time balancing work and donating?

A: I have never been asked this question.  I mean, like, out in the open.  It’s the easiest one there is: The money is a magical byproduct of this process.  Whether it’s the reason you’re here, the reason you keep coming back or the reason you inconspicuously pay for group dinners ever now and then, the fact remains: It’s good money.

Money is not why I started with BHED, but that’s certainly what made it so easy to fall in love with this process.  There is one thing that I paid for with every cycle –and only one thing: Parking when I’d go to the doctor’s office, and I found out on the last day of my last cycle at my last appointment that USC validates for donors – last appointment of my last cycle…I’d been paying $6 a visit and got 2 parking tickets along the way.  But that’s beside the point.  One thing you MAY be asked to pay out of pocked it birth control — you will be reimbursed for this, however.  I have insurance, so it was $40 per cycle, and if you play it right, you can save BC and not always have to fill your prescription – all doctors put me on the same BC.  Oooh, also, if for whatever reason you’re taking birth control longer than 28 days, you’ll need to refill and even if you do have insurance, insurance companies only allow you to refill BC every 30 days, so you have to pay full price.  Interesting, right?  So make sure you “rollover” your birth control to avoid more out of pocket expenses than you need.

And as for the terms of payment, I believe that will depend on your agency – the amounts are controlled by some important institution like the ASRM, or someone all-powerful, so that’s standard across the board – and if an agency is offering more than $10k for any one cycle, you should be wary.  But how it’s paid out may be different.  I received a little bit once I started medication – not birth control, but injections.  And I was then paid the balance with my retrieval.  The money is in a trust, so it’s guaranteed, and the check comes from your agency (not any individual).  My checks were not taxed, so my agency 1099′d me at tax time as if I were a contracted employee.  And my agency pays more to donors who are from a top-tier school.  I went to NYU, so my stipend was higher.

All this said, the money is amazing.  And to deny that, or pretend like people aren’t dying to ask you about it, is like really thinking no one knows your breasts are fake and you pretending like they’re not.  It is what it is.  Before I started down this path, I was a single girl, living in what I thought was a brilliant apartment in a glorious part of town, but I couldn’t really enjoy any of that because I was working my tail off and I was only ever around this very expensive, very amazing part of my life to sleep.  During my donations, I was able to afford to come into my own.  I put a lot of money in savings and made all my parents’ dreams come true.  And some of it (a lot of it) I spent.  I could finally afford to quit one of my two jobs.  I could afford to fly home for Christmas for the first time in two years – and you best believe I flew first class.  I could afford to say yes when my friends asked me to go to dinner at a restaurant with cloth napkins.  I could afford to ask someone else to do my nails.  I could afford that freaky cat that I saw in Austin Powers and had been saving for since – and now, Smalls is my life.  Whatever you do with your paychecks is your own thing, and I feel like to assume the burden of guilt…maybe shame – is that the word I’m looking for?… is counterproductive.

I didn’t have any trouble with work, no.  That said, I have a completely “unrealistic” job.  I walked into my HR department (luckily for you, most HR departments are headed by women), I sat down, I told her that I was having a procedure on my ovaries in a few weeks and, leading up to that, I’ll be late several times so I can go for my routine appointments, and once those are finished I’ll have the procedure and need one week to recover.  That’s exactly what I said to her.  She looked at me and said, “whatever you need.”  I did that 6 times.  Not a second of what I said was untrue and, had I not done it, I never could have donated.  The population of the office teased me about being an addict, because you have blood drawn at every visit and you come in with a bandage on your arm.  And eventually people ask what’s going on (and they will) you say “it’s a girly thing” and then the conversation will be over.  It sounds kinda weird, but you really have to commit to this.  It’s not a minor thing, and it needs to be important to you.  Unless you embrace it, it’s not just the unease with the money aspect, you’ll also have an uneasiness about something else along the way.  I assure you.  You need to be okay with ALL of this.

Do not be ashamed, be so grateful and appreciative and feel so blessed that it really, truly fulfills you all the way around.

When I got pregnant, I was on birth control (Nuva Ring).  The shock of the pregnancy was nothing compared to the horror of realizing that the man I was with at the time was not a very nice person.  In the same week that I learned of my pregnancy, I learned that he was doing drugs when I was not around, and when I told him the news he became violent and angry.  I ended the relationship and went home to live with my mother.  When I made the decision to have an abortion I think I must have cried for two weeks, but I believe I made the best decision that I could have at the time.  It is because of that horrible experience that I am so excited to donate to another individual or couple.

I’m now engaged to a wonderful guy, and I know that there will be a time when I welcome a pregnancy (even an unexpected one).  I am so happy that I will be able to have a family with him someday, and it is important to me to be able to give that same chance to someone who is ready.  Anyone going to such great lengths to start a family truly deserves to have that, and if I can help that happen I would be honored.  In a small way I feel like I am giving back what I took away, even though I know that I can never undo or nullify the abortion.  My primary motivation, however, is to help someone bring a child into the world.  The whole process of egg donation and IVF is an extension of the miracle of creating life and I am grateful and happy to be able to lend myself to such an amazing purpose.

- BHED donor, Maggie #8228

“Oh, the things I can buy!” she thinks, “and definitely getting those hair extensions I’ve been eyeing for the summer.”

Now, please don’t assume I’m one of those cynical types that are against hair extensions or, for that matter, anything girly or high maintenance, I’ve just already got them.  *Wink*

No, to me, becoming an egg donor would fulfill one of the largest goals of my life, and something that I’ve already begun to bring to fruition.  It is my life aspiration to create a piece of software that provides cost effective pricing and constant algorithmic calculations to maximize profitability in restaurants, then roll out the production of the software with my very own restaurant.  When I close my eyes and imagine this day, I am a hero!  I’ve essentially altered the course of food service forever!  People love me!  And I, of course, am free to do as I please, probably selling the rights to my software to some large conglomerate and sitting back and running my restaurant (not without my constant residuals, though!).

Yet, take a look at present day me.  Sure I’ve got a great job.  Sure I could make a profitable career for myself offering consulting services with a focus specifically on real estate portfolios…

I bet you have no idea what I’m talking about.  Exactly.

In the current economic climate, my entrepreneurial goals are stifled by a “not now” society that fears new ideas and lives trapped in its laissez faire attitude.  ”But hey, we’re not making it worse right?” society thinks.  Wrong.

Enough of my critique.  My point is that I was drawn to become an egg donor when I realized how immediate the potential was to actually pursue my goals.  This is not something I need, nor is it something I’m relying on, but it is something that can greatly speed up the process for me, and something I would be genuinely appreciative of should I be chosen to be a part of it.

Now, there is the altruistic perspective of egg donation.  At its most stripped down core, an egg donor is providing others with opportunities that previously did not exist to them.  The intrinsic motivation is therefore preset and a major factor in my decision to become an egg donor.  I have complete faith in BHED to find those who I am properly suited to donate for and now, my question to you, prospective parents, is what are you waiting for?!

- Camber, BHED donor #7132

Will I Feel Bonded to My Child?

One fear that intended parents sometimes bring up is that they may not feel as connected or bonded to their child because they used an egg donor.  I don’t think I have encountered any cases that substantiate this fear, but of course it is a valid concern.  I tell intended parents that they may be more prepared to handle their child than parents who have biological children.  Biological parents many times assume that they will understand their child, yet each child is unique and may or many not resemble their biological parents either.  The key to parenting is to be attuned to who your child is.  When you enter the world of parenthood, it is a daily challenge to let go of who you think your child “should” be and accept them for who they are.  A daily lesson as a parent is to listen and accept your child for who he/she is.  If you can do that there is no doubt that you will feel connected to your child.

- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT

Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist

]]> http://www.bhed.com/blog/bonding/feed/ 0 http://www.bhed.com/blog/thoughts-on-telling-the-child/ http://www.bhed.com/blog/thoughts-on-telling-the-child/#comments Thu, 20 May 2010 22:13:09 +0000 admin http://blog.bhed.com/?p=693 In the latest installment of our five-part series for Intended Parents, Brenda shares her advice for how/when to share with a child that they were conceived with the help of an egg donor.

Do We Tell Our Child They Were Conceived Through Egg Donation?

All intended parents are confronted with the decision as to whether they should tell their child (and others) that they used a third-party to conceive their child.  Parents usually come to a decision based on their own comfort level and feelings regarding using an egg donor or surrogate.  Most experts agree that honesty is the best policy when it comes to informing your child.  A good website that goes into more detail about how to talk to your children developmentally appropriate ways is www.donor-conception-network.org.  The website has booklets entitled, “Telling and Talking”.  These booklets offer informative advice on how to talk to your child at every stage.  Before telling your child you want to assess 1) The child’s emotional and intellectual capacity to process the information  and 2) The extent to which your family, culture or religion may be able to accept a child born through egg donation.

The decision to tell your child may be an easy one or one fraught with decision.  Most experts agree that telling your child is the easier path to take.  It is easier because there is no room for misconceptions or false information, which inevitably leads to feelings of betrayal or mistrust.  It is also recommended to start giving some information at a relatively early age, from three to five years old.  Again, the website mentioned above goes into thorough detail advising how to talk to children of all ages regarding their conception.

- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT

Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist

Meeting the Donor?  There is No Right Choice.

At some point during the egg donor process most parents consider whether or not they should meet their egg donor.  There is no right or wrong answer to this question.  Each case is different and depends on the intentions and expectations of the intended parents.  If their expectations seem reasonable and realistic, then meeting the egg donor can turn into a very positive experience.  Most of the time intended parents want to be able to meet their donor so that they have the option of telling their child at a later date.  Statistically, only about 20% of intended parents choose to meet their donor.  If you intend to tell your child that they were conceived with an egg donor and you want to tell your child something about the donor, then meeting would likely be a positive experience.  Many times parents to not have an interest in, or feel comfortable, meeting their donor, which of course should always be respected.  Each situation is different.

- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT

Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist

Choosing a Donor

Once intended parents have made the decision to use an egg donor, anxiety can arise surrounding the donor choice.  Every intended parent usually approaches the issue with ‘preconceived’ criteria for choosing their ‘perfect’ candidate – beyond the standard medical screening that is done, scholastics, personality, and appearance are usually at the top of their list.  I empathize with individuals and couples as to how difficult it is to make such a big decision.  It is important to remember that there is no rush in choosing a donor.  It takes time to find the right match.  Whatever the intended parents are looking for, I encourage them to get as much information as possible from their egg donation agency regarding their donor, while also trying not to ‘over-control’ the situation.  Once one feels they have made the best decision, according to the information they have, then the challenge can be trying letting go.  There are no guarantees in life, all of us who are parents usually begrudgingly learn that a lot more of life is out of our control than we would like.  Parenting is about being able to handle all the imperfections that come with a child, whether you have your child through an egg donor or not.  When couples do have difficulty containing their anxiety during this process therapy can help.

As the ’screening’ psychotherapist, my process is analytical and involves assessing the donor for her maturity and ability to follow through with the process, as well as the presence of any major psycho-pathology (i.e. personality or mood disorders).  An interview and psychological test are used to check for either of the two preceding elements.

- Brenda Fahn-Hardt M.S., MFT

Beverly Hills Egg Donation Staff Psychotherapist